Friday, May 1, 2009

Haunted

We went to CS today.
It started happily till....
I asked him jokingly to take photo together.
He reclined me.
Reason? He doesn't want Jessie to see it and argue with him.
Dunno why when he said that...I feel my heart sinks. It is a weird feeling that I never experienced before. Is it jealousy? Is it hurt? I'm not sure. I just know at that moment, I feel like bursting out in tears....
These days I feel like the feelings towards him have grown lessen.
Things weren't like yesterdays.
I feel as if I'm going out alone since he is busy text messaging all the time....
And sometimes he did stupid thing to hide the fact that he is text messaging...
Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt me.
But I can see clearly his every movement.
He can't deceive my eyes.
Sometimes I hate myself for being so observant.
It doesn't bring any good to me.
The only good thing is I'm immune to those pain seeing him text messaging her.
I'm immune to part of the pain.

While wandering around CS, ,we came across Digi booth.
The promoter approached us and promoted latest Digi plan.
She introduced a plan that is Couple plan.
One main line and a subline, free calls, free text messages and free multimedia messages...
T.H.A.T is couple plan.
I can see that he is really interested in the plan.
I felt kinda awkward that the promoter mistaken us as couple.
So she kept filling us in details about how the plan will benefit us.
After escaping from the extremely helpful promoter, he asked me a question personally.

Do you think I should use?

I'm just afraid what if one day we breakup (choi), then she'll still be my subline. It is like being tied up.

At that very moment, I feel so down.
Needless to ask, I know that he is the one who wanted so much to be with her.
This confirms that he is the one who can't leave her.
He thinks the world of her.
She is so pure and innocent compared to me.
Yeah, and more kind-hearted? >.<
Well....
SO WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL WAITING?
I feel like cursing at this moment.
CURSING ME.
Yeah.
DAMN ME.
IDIOT ME.
Whatever la....
I told him straight at his face.
If you really have the heart to be with her everlasting, you would not have this kind of doubt. Coz whatever happens, you'll try your best to save it.
He looked at me.
After that, I am very down for the rest of my day.
I feel more relieved without seeing him.
I can't believe that he is actually hurting me each time I meet him.
He doesn't know, does he?
He used to be the one I miss so much at weekends and holidays.
But now....after so many disappointments and heartbreaks, I think I'm some sort of "immune" to the pain dy.
I'm not that hurt as before.
I won't care how he feels.
Coz he does not care how I feel.
He only cares about her. She is the one he wants to protect or spend his lifetime with.
Who I am to him?
His PET?
DOG?
CLOWN?
F.U.U.?
I dunno.
I'm giving up.
I know this relationship will never work.