Haunted

We went to CS today.
It started happily till....
I asked him jokingly to take photo together.
He reclined me.
Reason? He doesn't want Jessie to see it and argue with him.
Dunno why when he said that...I feel my heart sinks. It is a weird feeling that I never experienced before. Is it jealousy? Is it hurt? I'm not sure. I just know at that moment, I feel like bursting out in tears....
These days I feel like the feelings towards him have grown lessen.
Things weren't like yesterdays.
I feel as if I'm going out alone since he is busy text messaging all the time....
And sometimes he did stupid thing to hide the fact that he is text messaging...
Maybe he just doesn't want to hurt me.
But I can see clearly his every movement.
He can't deceive my eyes.
Sometimes I hate myself for being so observant.
It doesn't bring any good to me.
The only good thing is I'm immune to those pain seeing him text messaging her.
I'm immune to part of the pain.

While wandering around CS, ,we came across Digi booth.
The promoter approached us and promoted latest Digi plan.
She introduced a plan that is Couple plan.
One main line and a subline, free calls, free text messages and free multimedia messages...
T.H.A.T is couple plan.
I can see that he is really interested in the plan.
I felt kinda awkward that the promoter mistaken us as couple.
So she kept filling us in details about how the plan will benefit us.
After escaping from the extremely helpful promoter, he asked me a question personally.

Do you think I should use?
I'm just afraid what if one day we breakup (choi), then she'll still be my subline. It is like being tied up.

At that very moment, I feel so down.
Needless to ask, I know that he is the one who wanted so much to be with her.
This confirms that he is the one who can't leave her.
He thinks the world of her.
She is so pure and innocent compared to me.
Yeah, and more kind-hearted? >.<
Well....
SO WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL WAITING?
I feel like cursing at this moment.
CURSING ME.
Yeah.
DAMN ME.
IDIOT ME.
Whatever la....
I told him straight at his face.
If you really have the heart to be with her everlasting, you would not have this kind of doubt. Coz whatever happens, you'll try your best to save it.
He looked at me.
After that, I am very down for the rest of my day.
I feel more relieved without seeing him.
I can't believe that he is actually hurting me each time I meet him.
He doesn't know, does he?
He used to be the one I miss so much at weekends and holidays.
But now....after so many disappointments and heartbreaks, I think I'm some sort of "immune" to the pain dy.
I'm not that hurt as before.
I won't care how he feels.
Coz he does not care how I feel.
He only cares about her. She is the one he wants to protect or spend his lifetime with.
Who I am to him?
His PET?
DOG?
CLOWN?
F.U.U.?
I dunno.
I'm giving up.
I know this relationship will never work.

Insomnia strikes again....

Sometimes, I do wonder whether I'm in a relationship?
Yeah, we do love each other(I guess...)...still, why am I not the person he calls to every single night before he hits the hay? Why am I not the person he will call every morning the moment he wakes up?
Are we a "couple"?
Two plus one is couple?
I've no idea what is my principle? I don't like the way he handle things still, I'm still staying with him?
I really don't understand why he does not like me to question about our relationship status. Is it because he can't afford to give me any promise? Is it because he never plan to be with me?
I've got so many questions on my mind. I know they can't be solved as long as he is still with her. All these question marks are driving me up the wall.

Ain't being in love supposed to be happy most of the times?
Ain't a relationship supposed to be among two person?

If I keep pressing him to answer, all I get from him is just an ambiguity answer. He'll ask me back, "I've done my best. What else can I do?"
I don't really believe he stay for the sake of she can't live without him.
My heart maybe blind, but my eyes are not blind.
I can see the way he smiles happily when he text messages her.
I can see a big smile pastes on his face when he talks to her on the phone.
I can see how nervous is he when she is angry with him.
I can see tears rolling in his eyes when she leaves him.
I can see he stays up whole night just to send her a hundred messages, hoping that she'll go back to his side.
I can see how much he needs her.
I can see how much he can't afford to lose her.
I can see how anxious he feels just to go back home to meet her.
I can see that he treats her as his first and main priority.
I can see him left me even though I needed him so much at the moment. At the very same moment, the girl needs him.
I can see how deeply he trusted her.
I can see how deeply he loves her.
I can see how much he has sacrificed for her.

I'm not convinced at all....that the person he loves is me.
How could I still believe that at this stage?

Just a thought...(randomz)

If leaving you means I'll achieve inner peace,
I'll do it.

If leaving you means I'll gain back my happiness,
I'll do it.

If leaving you is a right decision,
I'll do it.

If leaving you means my willingness to face the truth,
I'll do it.

If leaving you means my heart is free to love again,
I'll do it.

If leaving you means I'm in control of my life,
I'll do it.

If leaving you means parting with tears,
I'll do it.

If leaving you, my heart will heal,
I'll do it.

I can't find any reason not to leave you.

I Dont Love You - My Chemical Romance

同一个遗憾

剩下我们坐在岸边
看着她越走越远
白色星星迎着海面
沙滩好远
而她的心去了哪里
我们都无能为力
是谁的手能牵她回来

Does she know
Don't think so
爱上了同一个遗憾
恍然明白那时候
为何要对彼此为难

Tell me she knows
I don't think so
我们都不属于他的爱
不能重来的伤害
我们都学会了释怀

两个朋友一个最爱
不可能有的未来
只是结局却让我们如此以外 ye……
她的决定终于太慢
看那微笑的安排
你怪 谁的错 谁的错
我们都 我们都失败
Does she know
Don't think so
爱上了同一个遗憾
恍然明白那时候
为何要对彼此为难
Tell me she knows
I don't think so
我们都不属于他的爱
不能重来的伤害
而我们都学会了释怀 哦……噢

Does she know
Don't think so
爱上了同一个遗憾
恍然明白 那时候
为何要对彼此为难
Tell me she knows
I don't think so
我们都不属于他的爱
不能重来的伤害傲
而我们都学会了释怀

前言～

Well,这个部落格主要是分享恋爱的点点滴滴。
我对于恋爱的剖解及看法。
不敢说我是个恋爱专家。我只不过是个初学者。其实每个人在感情世界里都是初学者。
每一段恋情，都能让你有一个新的初体验。
可能在第一段里，你学会了怎样建立彼此的信任。
也许在第二段里，你懂得怎样包容对方。
在第三段里，也许你明白珍惜是怎么一回事了。
如果甜蜜存在，那么苦涩也会伴随。
没有一段恋情是稳定的。
没有一对情侣从来没有吵过架。
开始一段恋情并不难，难在于维系。
要怎样维系呢？
我也在学着这门学问。
信任，应该是主要的吧！
其次，包容。
我的死穴是需要安全感。
我需要对方明确的告诉我他的想法。
偏偏，他不了解这对我多么的重要。
我要知道一直以来的等待是值得的吗？
我要知道我们是否“落花有意，流水无情”？
承诺对我来说是种肯定。
它给予我勇气。
爱真的需要勇气，当它不再周旋于两人之中。
现在的我，已没有勇气……